August Newsletter - 2004

Ten Guaranteed Ways to Ruin a Bioterrorism Response: A Humorous Reflection on a Serious Issue

There are hundreds of articles being written about how to mount an effective response following a bioterrorism attack.  However, I fully believe that every story has two sides, and that no debate is fair unless both sides are heard.  There are no articles for people interested in an ineffective response to a bioterrorism attack; this is a gap in the literature.  Therefore, with my tongue planted firmly in my cheek, I have developed a foolproof plan for royally ruining a bioterrorism response.  Hey, if you're going to do something, do it 100%.

1)  Ignore the threat of bioterrorism. 

Even if it occurs somewhere, it won't affect your community.  People don't travel from town to town; the outbreak will stay in the area that was targeted by the terrorists.  That international SARS outbreak was a fluke.

2)  Hold off developing a response plan. 

It's a major time sink and will only frustrate everyone involved.  Besides, it requires a lot of time for something you will never need.  If you are forced to develop a plan, just throw something together, put it in a nice binder on a shelf, and don't let anyone else look at it.  It will make a great addition to your performance evaluation at the end of the year.

3)  Pass up opportunities to practice an existing response plan. 

People inherently know the correct way to respond in all situations.  They don't need to practice.  Those exercises are just expensive excuses for having catered lunches and days away from the office!

4)  Don't gather any reference materials. 

You won't need or use them during a disaster.  Wait until the CDC arrives to help your community; they will have all of the answers you need at the time of the attack. 

5)  Avoid coordinating services or plans with anyone in your community. 

You have enough work to do already.  Every group can function independently and will respond correctly when needed. 

6)  Skip the epidemiological investigation. 

You will be too busy responding to try to determine the place, date, and time of the release.  Besides, there couldn't possibly be anyone else at risk.  Even if there are, we will find out about them soon enough.  Let the hospitals worry about that!

7)  Desist from implementing any infection control measures. 

The general public does an incredible job at staying home when they are sick, covering their nose and mouth when they cough or sneeze, and washing their hands.  In addition, healthcare workers have strong immune systems from working with sick people every day.  Nature will take care of the others; natural selection will allow the strongest to survive. 

8)  Disregard lessons learned from previous disasters. 

Monkeypox, anthrax, and SARS?  Those situations were different from what you're going to experience. What do they know about your community?  You're different!  You couldn't possibly learn anything from them.

9)  Dodge communications with other agencies or the general public. 

They don't need to know what's happening.  Heck, they won't even care what's going on!  Sending messages though the media will confuse and frighten people. Besides, no one wants to interrupt Survivor to hear about what's happening in the real world.

10)  Abstain from obtaining education on bioterrorism and potential agents. 

There is too much to know and trying to learn it all will just distract you from your day-to-day work.

Have a question or comment? Email bioterr@slu.edu